burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Where is your GOD now????