[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
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I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.