Wait for it…馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library鈥攅ven marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
can鈥檛 believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that鈥檒l kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I don鈥檛 need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I鈥檓 baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9戮 pounds.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
trust my gut? the thing that can鈥檛 even handle milk?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What鈥檚 not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him