I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Wise advice
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Food gives you energy to nap more.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.