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Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.