Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
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Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I can’t be the only one 😂
Look at this
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Two types of dogs.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no