KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes