Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
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In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I want what they have
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I’m too immature for adultery.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My neck, my back, my…
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor