I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
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I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.