When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
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I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.