It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Don’t we all.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
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