Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
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‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Merica.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers