I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
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To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.