You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place