me and my fake scenarios
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Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?