therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.