Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
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Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Oh my God.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine