you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
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I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
hey, alexa
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates