The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
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If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.