date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
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So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Personal question. #JustSaying
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.