FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
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If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.