broke down and did it
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mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.