My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
taking June’s advice to heart
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.