My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My work here is don’t.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!