Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
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I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
me doing my best
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in