I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.