GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
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Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.