Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
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It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
rich people when they have to pay taxes
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday