Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
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oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper