If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
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Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.