*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
buys donuts instead
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Meow