another case of gang violins
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Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours