What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
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“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?