My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
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Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Brilliant!
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.