Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
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I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.