I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
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WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.