Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?