Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
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Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I’m sure it’s fine.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.