[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
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Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.