HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
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If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
3% human
97% stress
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat