It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Animal poetry
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.