I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
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my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Hank is one in a melon.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes