“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
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Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners