When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
You Might Also Like
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…