[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
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I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”