People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
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Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.