Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
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I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused