-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
meow
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.