My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
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1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before