Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
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titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.